The Child and Discipline

Educate Together

“Discipline is the second most important gift a parent can give a child.”
Brazelton & Sparrows, 2004

Making Rules Clear and Consistent (9 to 12 months):

  • Decide on the rules;
  • Adapt them to the abilities and needs of each child – rules don’t have to be the same for everyone, and parents should help children understand the meaning of fairness;
  • Both parents should agree on the rules;
  • Explain the rule to the child using words, gestures, and tone of voice; ⇒ Expect the child to challenge you again;
  • Always respond in the same way. Any variation will spark the child’s curiosity to see what happens next;
  • Expect your child’s new abilities to surprise you;
  • Regularly review and adjust your rules and expectations as your child grows.

 

Tantrums

As children grow, they realise they can make their own choices, but they also become fearful of their abilities. Sometimes their desire to get what they want is so strong that they throw themselves on the ground and scream. They test their parents’ limits and feel scared. It is important for parents to help them manage their emotions, just as they need to learn to self-regulate. A useful approach might be: “Here is your teddy bear; he wants to take care of you. He doesn’t like seeing you so upset, he needs you to hug him.” The parent can calm the child, but the teddy bear teaches them to soothe themselves.

 

Teaching Young Children to Control Their Impulses:

  • First, capture the child’s attention. If necessary, hold their face or shoulders gently. Look them in the eyes to help them focus on the message;
  • Clearly explain that they cannot act on their impulses: “You can’t touch that.” If they already have, say: “Put it back.”
  • If necessary, physically prevent the child from doing what they were told not to do (remove the toy, take them to another place);
  • Whenever possible, offer an alternative: “Not this one, but you can take that one.” This teaches problem-solving;
  • Offer the alternative as a choice, not a negotiation. This shows the child that your goal is not to upset them but to guide them;
  • Do not give up until you achieve your objective;
  • Acknowledge the child’s frustration and sadness: “It’s really tough when we can’t have everything we want, isn’t it?” This doesn’t teach them to abandon all their dreams and desires, but rather to manage those that cannot be fulfilled; Help the child understand why – in simple terms – their wish cannot be granted;
  • If you realise you have made a mistake, take the opportunity to show the importance of admitting mistakes and apologising. If you can do this while maintaining your authority, both you and the child will feel relieved;
  • Show affection and encourage the child to believe that, little by little, they can gain control over themselves. Hold and hug them;
  • If the day has been full of “no’s”, find something to which you can say “yes.” This helps the child see discipline as an act of love, not as a response to something “bad” in them;
  • Do not take your child’s misbehaviour as a personal attack, especially constant challenges. If you do, you will likely respond in the same way. Instead, try to understand what your child is trying to learn from that behaviour and respond with what they need;
  • Share the responsibility for discipline and teaching with other adults who are part of the child’s life.

 

Helping the Child Express and Control Their Emotions

Parents can help their child:

  • Feel secure enough to experience their emotions: “I will help you manage your feelings until you can do it on your own.”
  • Distinguish between different emotions: “Sometimes when we are scared or angry, we feel like being mean.”
  • Recognise the connection between emotions and specific situations: “It looks like you’re happy because you managed to tidy up all your toys by yourself!”
  • Understand and identify feelings: “It seems like you’re afraid of the dark.”
  • Discover ways to calm down or express emotions: “Do you need to read a book before bed?”
  • Ask for help when needed: “Would you like me to sing you a song before bed?”
  • Accept, value, and empathise with emotions.

 

A Child’s Misbehaviour as an Opportunity to Teach Self-Discipline

  • Observe the child’s non-verbal behaviour to assess how they feel about what they have done;
  • If the child already realises they have done something wrong and feels guilty about it, they are already learning the lesson;
  • Do not push the child too hard to the point where they cannot face what they did. Instead, praise them for the courage to face their mistakes; • If necessary, ensure the child understands what they did by asking them to explain it. Their own words will have more impact than yours, and you can clarify any confusion;
  • If possible, agree on a consequence related to the action, allowing the child to make amends: “You will need to write a nice card to apologise for what you did.” “You will not receive your allowance until you have saved enough to buy your friend a new toy.”
  • Ensure the child understands the importance of apologising, making amends, and feeling forgiven.

Brazelton, T. & Sparrow, J. (2004). The Brazelton Way: The child and discipline (6th edition). Lisbon: Editorial Presença.

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